i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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