you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
