Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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