Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
