I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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