drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
