i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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