I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
