You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dick very happy bro
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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