quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She bit a glass in half.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
