Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
