It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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