I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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