if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
