A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My ass is underappreciated
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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