My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
