you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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