i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Operation Purity has been aborted
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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