a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
