I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
