She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
