How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
