As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
