I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
