I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
