The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
