I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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