I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
