someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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