if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
well you can't waste a boner
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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