He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
