Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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