did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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