in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
