dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize