Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
