Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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