I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
