you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
