She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
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Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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