On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
