There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
