never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
