What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
