Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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