i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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