Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
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I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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