How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
