I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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