i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
