I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
