he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
