It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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