When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have tasted many bathrooms
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
