I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
