I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
