Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
