Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
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I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
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I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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